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What Pissed Me Off? - 18

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just
about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by
my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked
already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a
bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy
mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where
does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken,
so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my
head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that
my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.

Good-Bye - 15

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by
saying:"God bless Mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye
grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye
grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was
a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed
and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God
Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,
thought the father, this kid
is in contact with the other side. Several weeks
later when the girl was
going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep
all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was
nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if
he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the
office, so instead of going
home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking
coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight
arrived, he breathed a
sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you
work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just
spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman
dropped dead on our porch!