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Mind your manners - 94

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he
gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the
dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is
this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then,"
he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

suicidal - 60

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars,
global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt.....

I called samaritans.



Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....