Which one is funnier? Click to Pick!

Claude the hypnotist - 43

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre ..

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance
- I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the

Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred

"shit!" said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Centre

Ugly as hell - 42

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter,
I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a
million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's
as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build
you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they
have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to
hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring
me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and
he yells, "Fuck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."