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Golf Story - 17

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant
having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing
career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes
wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then,
the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf
if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the
middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the
caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play
the ball toward his voice."

But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in
front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and I just
play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to
play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me
seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that,
when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick any night this month."

Vending Machine - 116


An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the
machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the
best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a
sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He
paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his
hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign
that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from
their wives, 50 cents." The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents
in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck
his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the
guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds
later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to
withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the
end.