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Cremated husband - 30

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with
the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought
it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

HONK if you love Jesus - 54

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the
back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That
bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love
the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game
with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking,
too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those
loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there
because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw
him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked
at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck
sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,
"Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida,
too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught
up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed
that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing
I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I
looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave
them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove
away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.